Gift Wrapping

When you're a kid, "gifts" is a very single-minded, one-way word, as it refers only to things you receive. There is zero stress around this narrow concept of gifts, as it merely requires you to sit with your eager hands out awaiting something to unwrap. Matter of fact, during those early years, neither Christmases nor birthdays nor any other gift days bring about any forethought or level of burden outside of having to wait out the dreadfully lagging, comparatively tepid days weeks months leading up to those glorious days.

Age changes that. The specific age it changes seems to be different with everyone, but in us all is some particular age when the giving of the gift becomes the more satisfying side of the exchange. But with that satisfying, but fleeting, gift-giving moment tends to come days weeks months of monumental amounts of self-inflicted anxiety. We want the gift to be creative, we expect the gift to exude thought and care, we need the gift to be affordable -- and, let's face it, we prefer the gift to be something we like and in our size in case the recipient doesn't want it or already has it.

Also, there's the added task of gift wrapping.

As a heterosexual male, my skill in and tolerance of gift wrapping lacks much depth. ...Actually, it lacks existence altogether. While I can appreciate one's aptitude for turning any gift, good or bad, into a piece of art that should be guarded and cared for by a museum curator, I view gift wrapping as simply homework. I'm not good, nor do I have any remote desire to be good, at gift wrapping. It almost sours the thought of giving someone something knowing that, in order for me to do it right, I have to wrap it up, tape it up, and generally suck it up.

Women see gift wrapping in an entirely different light. To them, the presentation is almost as important as -- maybe even more so than -- the present itself. The wrapping paper must radiate elegance, and no gift should dare be bestowed without a ribbon -- nay, a curled ribbon -- and a bow. And not some pre-made bow with an adhesive underside but rather an authentic, hand-crafted, ostentatious bow -- a bow that has some body and sass to it. Think Aretha-Franklin's-hat-during-the-2009-presidential-inauguration kind of bow. A bow that is in your face and just won't apologize.

Me? I buy whatever wrapping paper is on sale that day. And my ribbon is Scotch tape. Lots of it. The wrapping is loose, the corners bubble, and the edging is crooked. But, see, I don't care. I just don't. Why? Because gift wrapping is garbage. It doesn't matter how pretty, pristine, and perfect the wrapping job appears, the recipient is just going to rip it apart in seconds and toss it in the trash next to old lemon rinds and coffee grinds. Unless he/she is one of those weird people who actually carefully open it in hopes of retaining and reusing the wrapping later (does it ever honestly get reused?).

In college, partially because I was a poor college kid but mainly because I simply couldn't care less, I used my graded-and-returned college tests and papers as wrapping paper. And you know what, it worked. It covered the gift and thus created suspense as to what the gift was just as well as anything coming out of Neiman Marcus's customer service counter. And if someone actually did keep those tests and papers for future wrapping, they also had a lot of answers to general biology and philosophy questions on hand (granted, the answers were mostly wrong).

I think we could all lessen the effort placed in wrapping up gifts and still enjoy giving and receiving the gifts all the same. Unless the gifts suck and, well, make sure you wrap up the receipt, too.