When your Monster, Rockstar, and Red Bull cans run dry, don’t worry.
Gas stations are now serving coffee with energy. Energy coffee. Apparently plain coffee was too wussy. Either hundreds of millions of coffee drinkers worldwide have been wide-eyed and buzzing from a placebo all these years, or some manufacturer of concentrated energy just invented a cheaper, legal methamphetamine. Besides, doesn’t injecting coffee with additional doses of stimulant run within the same boundary of common sense as dipping bullets in poison?
Sadly the energizing of foods hasn’t stopped with coffee enhancement. The cola powers-that-be have pumped more caffeine into their soft drinks. Take for example Diet Pepsi Max -- you know, for those of us who don’t want to consume those unhealthy grams of sugar but do thirst for monumental amounts of caffeine.
Candy bars are loading up, too. Check your local convenience store for the Snickers Charged bar, which, despite its ionized name and packaging, contains about as many B vitamins as a Big Mac has any vitamins.
I’ve seen our planet’s future -- and that future is unnaturally chemically energized. Give us about, oh, eight more years and we’ll be purchasing ginseng, taurine, and every B vitamin imaginable in a liquid state to mix into our steamed vegetables, casseroles, and desserts. We’ll be dressing our salads with thousand island and guarana and marinating our ribs in honey barbecue and ginkgo biloba.
One day Parker Brothers will include a plastic bottle of liquid energy as a possible means of death in their board game Clue.
Let the headaches and insomnia begin.
