Interstate Billboards

Driving on interstates may feel as intellectually stimulating as a polka record, but I think there are innumerable points of interest along the way. Take the interstate billboards, for example. Just when you considered steering your car into the median wall upon the next site of an evergreen tree, a completely wacky billboard appears in the far distance, refreshing the trip with a breath of wonderment and sheer perplexity.

I don't know if, in any state that legalizes fireworks, there's a stretch of 15 interstate miles out there without a billboard advertising fireworks. And every fireworks store is a "superstore" -- usually owned by a Dave. It appears to me that every mother naming their son David is giving him a 1-in-3 shot at owning a fireworks outlet. A congratulations to all the Daves who have defied their occupational predestination odds and found success elsewhere in a non-fireworks-related vocation.

Is there a fireworks store that doesn't claim to be the largest in the world? Along the same lines, is there a mom and pop's diner that doesn't swear they have the coldest beer in town? These billboard writers are probably the authors of the same Wikipedia articles you used in your research paper. Some occasional fact-checking on the billboards would be nice.

On a side note, I'd hate to be the sap who bought his fireworks that one day of the year there wasn’t a "buy one, get one free" fireworks sale. Sucks to be you, Mr. Screwed Out Of Double The Fireworks Guy.

I do think it's absolutely hilarious that some businesses will tell you everything there is to know about them on their billboard, while others will simply say, "Roasted Almonds -- Exit Now!" It's with the latter that I always hear this old woman in my head yelling at me, "Look, do you like roasted almonds or not? Then what are you waiting for?? Cross those four lanes and EXIT NOW!!"

I actually saw a billboard recently that said, "Food, Fuel, and Flowbees -- Exit Now." I thought to myself, finally, a pit stop worth making -- a pit stop offering the three essentials in life: nutrition, energy, and a haircut from a vacuum cleaner extension.

Baby Talk

Someone needs to explain to me what this baby talking is all about. Where did this come from, and who thought it was necessary? In other words, who deserves to be punched?

It goes without saying that baby talk is annoying, and it should go without saying that baby talk is nonsensical -- but it obviously needs to be said because every grown man and woman feels compelled to replace all L's and R's with W's whenever an infant is in the room. Do you honestly think the baby's comprehension of the everyday vernacular is magnified by your insistence to communicate with a faux speech impediment? Is he really thinking, "What's this 'precious little boy' stuff? Oh, 'pweh-shus wittul bwoy,' gotcha..."?

You are dumbing the child down, man, do you hear me? You are slowing his education down. Think about how accelerated his language growth would be if you would talk to him like a normal person. I'm guessing you're putting that child behind linguistically a good 12-18 months. Oddly enough, you talk to your dog the same way -- which means you equate your baby with a hairy mutt.

And then you wanna play Baby Mozart for your child to enhance his intelligence? Now that’s irony. Stimulate his mind with classical music and then talk to him like an idiot. Nice parenting. Maybe you should be the one listening to a Wolfgang Xylophone Sonata on the SpongeBob boombox.