Interstate Billboards

Driving on interstates may feel as intellectually stimulating as a polka record, but I think there are innumerable points of interest along the way. Take the interstate billboards, for example. Just when you considered steering your car into the median wall upon the next site of an evergreen tree, a completely wacky billboard appears in the far distance, refreshing the trip with a breath of wonderment and sheer perplexity.

I don't know if, in any state that legalizes fireworks, there's a stretch of 15 interstate miles out there without a billboard advertising fireworks. And every fireworks store is a "superstore" -- usually owned by a Dave. It appears to me that every mother naming their son David is giving him a 1-in-3 shot at owning a fireworks outlet. A congratulations to all the Daves who have defied their occupational predestination odds and found success elsewhere in a non-fireworks-related vocation.

Is there a fireworks store that doesn't claim to be the largest in the world? Along the same lines, is there a mom and pop's diner that doesn't swear they have the coldest beer in town? These billboard writers are probably the authors of the same Wikipedia articles you used in your research paper. Some occasional fact-checking on the billboards would be nice.

On a side note, I'd hate to be the sap who bought his fireworks that one day of the year there wasn’t a "buy one, get one free" fireworks sale. Sucks to be you, Mr. Screwed Out Of Double The Fireworks Guy.

I do think it's absolutely hilarious that some businesses will tell you everything there is to know about them on their billboard, while others will simply say, "Roasted Almonds -- Exit Now!" It's with the latter that I always hear this old woman in my head yelling at me, "Look, do you like roasted almonds or not? Then what are you waiting for?? Cross those four lanes and EXIT NOW!!"

I actually saw a billboard recently that said, "Food, Fuel, and Flowbees -- Exit Now." I thought to myself, finally, a pit stop worth making -- a pit stop offering the three essentials in life: nutrition, energy, and a haircut from a vacuum cleaner extension.

Baby Talk

Someone needs to explain to me what this baby talking is all about. Where did this come from, and who thought it was necessary? In other words, who deserves to be punched?

It goes without saying that baby talk is annoying, and it should go without saying that baby talk is nonsensical -- but it obviously needs to be said because every grown man and woman feels compelled to replace all L's and R's with W's whenever an infant is in the room. Do you honestly think the baby's comprehension of the everyday vernacular is magnified by your insistence to communicate with a faux speech impediment? Is he really thinking, "What's this 'precious little boy' stuff? Oh, 'pweh-shus wittul bwoy,' gotcha..."?

You are dumbing the child down, man, do you hear me? You are slowing his education down. Think about how accelerated his language growth would be if you would talk to him like a normal person. I'm guessing you're putting that child behind linguistically a good 12-18 months. Oddly enough, you talk to your dog the same way -- which means you equate your baby with a hairy mutt.

And then you wanna play Baby Mozart for your child to enhance his intelligence? Now that’s irony. Stimulate his mind with classical music and then talk to him like an idiot. Nice parenting. Maybe you should be the one listening to a Wolfgang Xylophone Sonata on the SpongeBob boombox.

Urinals

I've been experiencing some problems in the bathroom at work lately. (No, my stream of urine is flowing just fine, but thank you for your concern.) It's this sudden movement taking my whole workplace bathroom by storm: urinal talk. Redefining the words "awkward" and "uncomfortable," a few co-workers have started feeling like there's no better place to engage in a conversation than at the urinal. Inappropriate? Yes, but I was thinking more along the lines of unnervingly, opprobriously, call-a-psychiatrist vile.

I’ve actually been using a urinal while someone was looking at me, talking to me, doing nothing that couldn't be done anywhere else in the office, a parking lot, or your mom's living room. No #1, no #2, no washing of the hands... Just standing there, staring at me, and talking. As if it's perfectly normal.

It's not a water cooler, people. And, I'm sorry, I don't think my workplace ensemble resembles a Catholic altar boy. So, seriously, let's turn the creepiness down a notch or two and take this "socially acceptable" concept into consideration next time you have the urge to tell me about your extracurricular activities while I'm fulfilling my duties as a bladder bearer. Do you think you can hold off your complaint of having to mow your lawn today about 19 more seconds while I finish up here?

Women have it a lot better, so it's much more understanding. Sitting in a closed stall, you've pretty much got your own little office there. Talk away, ladies. But usually when my fly's open, my belt's unbuckled, and I'm fully exposed for all the urinal to see, I'm not thinking of an icebreaker for the dude doing the same thing next to me.

Marketing

There are a few words that vendors and marketers tend to use pretty liberally. And I can't believe we've been letting them get away with it for so many years.

For example, everything labeled "free" comes with an initial cost of some sort darn near every time. Biggest hoax of all time: buy one, get one "free." I think the only people who still honor the word the way Noah Webster originally intended are those old women who hand out free samples at the grocery store on Saturdays. Gather those free samples up, kids, because all other items marked "free" probably mean "fee."

"Whitening" isn't much better. It seems like every corporation has now enhanced their product with "whitening." It sounds great, but what does "whitening" really do? Makes your mess whiter because the product cleans it better or because the product covers it up better? Emblazoned on the package of cleaning supplies, toothpastes, and chewing gum, that word has enslaved us for years now. That’s powerful. The word "whitening" packs more influence than Howard Stern on Sanjaya.

And then there's the feel-good phrase "whole grain." Isn't that just music to the ears? Mmm, "whole grain." But here's the twist: I don't even know what that means. When I hear "whole grain," I picture someone frolicking through the wheat fields, harvesting a big basketful of healthiness, and preparing a food fit for any Bowflex owner. But that's probably not the case. I'll just keep eating my "Whole Grain" Trix and hope for the best.

Stalkers

Being completely honest here, I'd make a horrible stalker. I'm just not that motivated. Think about the time and dedication involved in stalking someone. You have to learn that person's schedule, show up whenever that person is around, find good hiding spots, perpetually maintain anonymity... That's a lot of pressure.

You'd really have to revolve your everyday calendar around someone else's -- that's a commitment I'm just not willing to make. Never mind the expenses you have to budget for: the gasoline, the binoculars, and the newspaper and magazine subscriptions so you can act like you're reading but you're really not. And that's just the amateur stalkers. The pros probably use night-vision goggles, and those can't be cheap.

Through college, I may have been the worst note-taker -- nobody copied my class notes -- and my guess is that you'd probably have to take some fairly in-depth notes as a stalker. Get really detailed. Timestamp everything. Forget that, man.

Also, when do you know you've gotten really good as a stalker? What's the end goal here? To get arrested? Is that the landmark stalkers aspire for? Seems confusing to me. Jail time could signify poor stalking practicing; but at the same time, it's public validation for stalkers, which means, upon being sentenced, they're basically being certified as stalkers -- an achievement in its own right; in that sense, imprisonment is like saying, "Congratulations, we officially declare you a professional stalker because you were doing the things stalkers do." Nope, I think I'll just stick with the online predator thing.