Marketing

There are a few words that vendors and marketers tend to use pretty liberally. And I can't believe we've been letting them get away with it for so many years.

For example, everything labeled "free" comes with an initial cost of some sort darn near every time. Biggest hoax of all time: buy one, get one "free." I think the only people who still honor the word the way Noah Webster originally intended are those old women who hand out free samples at the grocery store on Saturdays. Gather those free samples up, kids, because all other items marked "free" probably mean "fee."

"Whitening" isn't much better. It seems like every corporation has now enhanced their product with "whitening." It sounds great, but what does "whitening" really do? Makes your mess whiter because the product cleans it better or because the product covers it up better? Emblazoned on the package of cleaning supplies, toothpastes, and chewing gum, that word has enslaved us for years now. That’s powerful. The word "whitening" packs more influence than Howard Stern on Sanjaya.

And then there's the feel-good phrase "whole grain." Isn't that just music to the ears? Mmm, "whole grain." But here's the twist: I don't even know what that means. When I hear "whole grain," I picture someone frolicking through the wheat fields, harvesting a big basketful of healthiness, and preparing a food fit for any Bowflex owner. But that's probably not the case. I'll just keep eating my "Whole Grain" Trix and hope for the best.