Subway

I’m addicted to fast food. There, I said it.

There are several factors that contribute to this addiction, all of which I’m fully aware (e.g. I’ve been out from under my parents’ roof since I was 18; I have little time or patience to cook; and even if I did, I find zero pleasure in cooking -- probably because I cook as well as Rush Limbaugh and Arianna Huffington split a cab ride), so this fast food addiction isn’t some new realization. But as a result, I consider myself somewhat of a fast food aficionado. I know my way around a wide array of drive-thrus pretty well and have developed a fairly lengthy mental list of where to get the tastiest quick-meal when in specific U.S. locations.

I also have developed a mental list of where to never eat, even in the hungriest, most desperate, most apocalyptic conditions. It’s a much shorter list -- well, really only two places: McDonald’s and Subway.

I’ll leave McDonald’s alone and let all you Mickey D freaks continue your pee-free parade. For now.

But about that Subway... Boy, those folks love to tell you how "fresh" they think they are, don’t they? Subway advertises and sells on the premise that bread + deli meats + diced vegetables = fresh. While simply reading that (even typing that) sounds like a fresh meal, "fresh" isn’t a term derived by type of ingredients alone; before ingredient type, I think ingredient age and ingredient quality. "Fresh" would be walking on a farm, picking up a head of lettuce, ripping off a few leaves, and slapping it between two slices of bread that were kneed, rolled, leavened, and warmed in a country kitchen a few acres away. And that’s a Subway I haven’t seen yet.

Seriously, what’s fresh about food that’s been sitting out in plastic containers all day? When does fresh stop being fresh? And what is that "chicken breast" anyway? It has the look and texture of an old beach sandal without the straps.

I’m not trying to put Subway Jared out of a job (well, he is annoying -- you’re right, not Michael-Winslow-does-sound-effects-for-an-hour’s-worth-of-stand-up-comedy annoying, but fairly annoying), but has anyone at Subway’s board of directors ever been to one of the other sub sandwich joints? Quiznos? Jimmy John’s? The quality and taste is incomparable. Better yet, have they ever actually eaten at Subway before? I’m fairly certain that one trip on that bologna train would squelch their proclamations of pinky-sworn "freshness."

Sure, Subway, go ahead and say it -- scream it until it rings true, Subway: Eat fresh. If by "fresh" you mean "a SUBstantially SUBpar SUBstitution for quality and taste."

But I do like your cookies. Let me know when they’re fresh.