Speed Bumps

I have a degree in English, so I don't attempt to project that I know a great deal about civil engineering. I respect the mosaic of science, math, and indeed art that it is and produces. But I will say that much of civil engineering seems to stem from and correlate with social engineering. There's a lot of sociology and psychology poured in with the concrete in the cement truck's rotating mixer.

When you think about how many of our decisions in a day involve driving, traffic, signals, and yelling alone in our metal contraptions with windows rolled up, you realize the startling amount of our lives that are directly or otherwise controlled by civil engineers. It's a pretty powerful vocation. So much so that we all at one point or another try to fool ourselves and others that we totally could and should be one.

This is why we have speed bumps.

Without statistical data, I would bet that most speed bumps are not products of an engineer's blueprints or a scientist's studies but rather a regular citizen's outcry for control over human behavior. It's that "electric" idea that comes either immediately after or as a result of multiple experiences over time with someone else’s speeding violation. "Hey, people are speeding here, so lay a speed bump down." Speed bumps are the mindless solution to all parking lot/driveway speeding issues. To prevent people going over eight miles per hour, we have convinced ourselves that the perfect fix is to simply throw a long, miniature blacktop mountain range across the lane.

I'm sorry, speed bumps are the single most overused, most inane, most irritable copout of an endeavor to control behavior. If they slow traffic, they create a nuisance; if they are too high, they scrape cars' undercarriage; if they are too low, they influence nothing; if they are too wide, they hardly slow traffic but do create a nuisance and do scrape cars' undercarriage. And they all give the stink eye to a vehicle'’s suspension. They're basically punishment to all for the behavior of a few.

Look, it's simple really: people are going to speed. People are just going to drive at the miles-per-hour they feel comfortable -- speed bumps or no speed bumps. Rid the world of its speed bumps, folks! Quit trying to play traffic god. The parking lot is not your sanctuary. Unless of course you're homeless.