B-sides, vol. 2

More various "Takes on Life" quickies not worthy of a full version:

• Is prison really that bad? You get free food, free clothes, a free gym, and a free place to lay your head. That seems pretty good. If they'd let prisoners wear whatever they want, I'd probably go kill someone right now.


• I would think the dumbest way to protest something is by setting yourself on fire. Why do people do this? Is this accomplishing something? I mean, if anything, I, your opposition, would probably feel a little victorious thinking, "Alright, there goes one more person against us."


• As I drive by people's houses and observe their scattered lawn ornaments, I can't help but wonder what internally triggers someone to proudly litter his/her yard with such shamefully hideous plastic toys and stone structures. Why would you do this to yourself and your yard? Garden signs, gazing balls, gnomes, flamingos... What did your yard do to deserve this? Sure, a fountain here and a statue there is fine, but several front lawns look like they're constantly celebrating the most God-forsaken holiday all year. The residents are like those people who force their pathetic pets to wear sweaters, only it's their lawn who is the unlucky recipient of its owner's unabashed taste for tackiness. I'm personally embarrassed for the yard. It's never a good sign when, on any given day, your house can be mistaken for having a yard sale.


• On a similar note, aren't bird baths and bird houses an open, cordial invitation for any and all birds to come poop all over your territory?


• Does it strike anyone else odd that all old people drive huge cars? I'm talking big ol' Buicks, Cadillacs, Lexuses -- you know the ones I'm talking about. It's like the more dangerous we become as drivers, the more massive the weapon we get in which to steer.


• If our elbows are wrinkly, shouldn't our knees be, too? Think about it.


• Politicians: You have got to stop dancing. One, it never turns out well; if you're a politician caught dancing on camera for any reason -- unless it's your inaugural party (and, really, dancing at that event should be omitted for these reasons) -- you will be subjected to mass ridicule, and no matter your patriotism, service to country, or acts of charity, your legacy will forever be cemented by your dancing clip accumulating hits on YouTube. Two, it's a direct contradiction against what we elected you to do: read bills, vote, and be wooden.