Popcorn

Most snacks you can keep secret. Stash a few Oreos away deep in the food pantry, behind the oatmeal packets and sugar-free cereals, and unleash 'em every now and then -- who'll know? Keep some Little Debbie cakes in your desk drawer at work and munch 'em down when no one's near your cubicle -- you're in the clear. But with popcorn... the secret is out, man. With each kernel's pop and the scented trail of chemical buttery goodness, you're officially stepping out of your snacking closet. Popcorn is a public declaration that, yes, I'm snacking, and, yes, you know exactly what it is.

As long as you're okay with the outright attention, you get the green light on popcorn.

Now, to eat popcorn you must know that you face two problems right off the bat. The first problem is your teeth. No matter how delicately or strategically you attempt to chew popcorn, its pieces -- the popcorn shrapnel, as I like to call them -- will inevitably, indubitably find their way between your teeth. And they will not seek a gaping crevice or a moderate-size space between teeth; rather, they will unapologetically push and squeeze their thin, little way through the smallest of spaces, ensuring dental discomfort. If not painful enough, they will happily penetrate that ultra tiny crevice that separates your gums and enamel -- perhaps even pierce some surrounding flesh along the way -- really just to piss you off. Dental floss by your side is recommended.

The second problem is the odor. This is a big one. If you don't mind upsetting your own nervous system with the occasional accompanied bouts of pain from the shrapnel, then you must weigh the likelihood of upsetting the olfactory system of everyone around you with the lingering, overwhelming stench of popcorn, especially if this is in an office or otherwise public setting. It might smell good at first, but when the odor's intensity hasn't waned in a half-day, tempers tend to flare.

And if you burn the popcorn, whoa buddy, it's a whole new ballgame. Find a trashcan and sacrifice that bag of popcorn quickly -- and then just get the heck out of there. If you're spotted as the culprit, repercussions range anywhere from being the recipient of office contempt and cold shoulders to possibly being dragged beyond the city limits and stoned.

Enjoy with caution.