B-sides, vol. 1

Various "Takes on Life" quickies not worthy of a full version:

• If you want to know how dumb of a human race we're becoming, go buy a magazine now. I used to purchase magazines to read articles. What happened? Where'd the words go? Magazines are now 85% pictures, advertisements, and scents. The reading is gone. Full in-depth articles have been whittled down to paragraph synopses or just fragmented captions underneath pictures. I guess all that reading required too much effort. The plus side here is I can now know what Angelina Jolie has been up to this month in a matter of six words.


• What's up with every cosmetologist looking like a freak of nature? Is turning yourself into a science experiment really a good marketing tool for your business? Probably not. Nothing could be more ironic than seeking to achieve personal beautification from someone who looks as if she drove to work from a Barnum & Bailey tent in a clown car.


• What are Pixie Sticks? Sugar-flavored sugar?


• Can't believe parents are still buying their kids trampolines. As much fun as they are, they're death traps. I grew up playing on a neighbor's trampoline against my parents' wishes. But you're just asking for it, really. We all know of a trampoline horror story, whether it's a biographical or autobiographical one. Injuries abound by (1) bouncing into someone else, (2) getting your foot caught in or between the springs, (3) falling off or unintentionally jumping off, (4) landing awkwardly, or (5) bouncing into someone, causing you to fall off or unintentionally jump off and then landing awkwardly with one foot somehow caught in or between the springs. "Quit playing video games, Jimmy, and go outside and challenge gravity head-on!"


• Can TV stations please stop airing Viagra and Vagisil commercials during the hours of dinner time? Seriously.


• There are a few grocery items I feel uncomfortable buying purely because of the large doses of estrogen injected into the products' packaging and advertisement. Their commercials will show a woman sensually consuming the product naked in a tub surrounded by candles. Their packaging displays a woman in '80s leotards and a headband who seems to be working out to an Olivia Newton-John mix. And, though philanthropic, apparently the only disease whose cure is worth donating a portion of the products' sales to is breast cancer. Well, sorry that I occasionally yearn for a cup of Yoplait, or I routinely like to start my day with a bowl of Special K, or I periodically need a Dove chocolate fix, or I enjoy the lasting comfort and assurance of an Always maxi pad with wings. ...Wait, scratch that last one.