Bluetooth Devices

As Moses stood up to Pharaoh and demanded liberation for his people, and as Martin Luther King Jr. stood up to racist tyrants and hatemongers to denounce segregation and welcome equality, so will I stand up to Bluetooth hands-free headset owners and declare these words of truth, justice, and... more truth: If you own and wear one of those small ear-stationed devices with a blinking blue light for your cell phone, you're a douche.

I could save us all some reading time and just end the roasting here because their appearance alone, loyally and undyingly fixated to a person's ear, is so ridiculous that my declaration really needs no justification, but I know you want more. You want to know every reason why I would ever have the audacity to slam such a popular advancement in technology, a fad so widespread that you can't even go to Dollar Tree to pick up an expired 5-lb. carton of rejected rainbow-colored Goldfish crackers without seeing it in use. Yet we all harmoniously abhor Crocs, don't we...

Nevertheless, I'll elaborate. Because, so help me God, the first time I came across one of these things, I laughed. Laughed hard. In a someone-punch-that-guy-please-because-he-looks-so-preposterous way. But, you see, that feeling hasn't subsided yet. And that was some years ago. And what's with that blue light, as if you needed to look even more outlandish with an oversized hearing aide strapped around your ear? Glad it's blinking so that more attention can be brought to your shrewd purchase of a clip-on tie for your ear. "Look at me, everyone, notice my sleek, techie ear accessory on which I spent some of my excess of unwanted cash!"

Adding to its silliness is the appearance that you're talking to yourself while using it. It's not until you turn around that anyone can tell you're actually on the phone (or rather the phone is on you). Talking to these Bluetooth-bearers is beyond frustrating since they can suddenly and seamlessly break into a phone call without forewarning mid-discussion. How many phone calls is a person getting anyway? Does everyone who wears these things like jewelry have to stay on-call around the clock? "Excuse me, folks, I have to stay on-call all day. A call could break out. Gotta be ready. Better safe than sorry. The President could call at any mo--hello? Oh, hi, Mom. Yeah, I've got the gallon of milk in my hands right now."

And I love it when people try to rationalize their Bluetooth headset by explaining that holding a cell phone while driving is distracting and dangerous. They want to be more alert, pay more attention. Besides, that free hand needs to be able to select a song from their iPod or operate their GPS navigation tool or hold a cheeseburger.