Hairpieces

Do you have cancer? Are you undergoing chemotherapy? ...Oh, seriously? Okay, wear that hairpiece unapologetically. The wig is yours, you deserve it. Matter of fact, it looks great on you! Also, immediately consider yourself prayed for.

Now, all the rest of you, though... What are you doing? Take that carpet remnant off, man. Who are you fooling? Sorry, what human are you fooling? Your dog that's barking at its own reflection in the window doesn't count. Just because you're getting a little thin up top doesn't mean you've earned the right to don an oversized, furry yarmulke.

I cannot believe we are still sporting and tolerating hairpieces. Toupees, wigs, weaves, extensions... anything foreign to the cranium and supposedly resembling hair. It's one thing -- I guess -- to wear it like fashion, but to try to pass it as an authentic, God-crafted trove of protruding filaments is lunacy. And, quite frankly, awkward. For everyone. And I mean everyone, because we're all looking at it -- nothing but it -- trying to make sense of it. That thing. That amassed coiffure of what appear to be dyed fiber optics.

Look, its pattern isn't even following the same direction of your real hair. And the color's not the same. Nor is the way light shines off your hair and your "hair." Also, I think it just moved by its own will.

When you're wearing a hairpiece, aren't you constantly living in fear of the next aggressive breeze? Or any sudden, jerky movement? Or a low overhead clearance? Or being given an unexpected noogie? I mean, how can you even concentrate on anything but the abrupt, uncontrollable disclosure of your faux fur? I just don't see how that in any shape or form trumps whatever discomfort a person may feel due to hair loss. I say own that hair loss! Trust me, your pride would much prefer you be a little shiny up top than living under a hair hat.

And hair weaves... Whatever cultural significance or heritage aside, what in God's ever-loving name are these things? And why? Also, why? And perhaps most importantly, why? I need an explanation, ladies -- preferably one that makes sense. I need to understand why a woman would cover up perfectly fine, natural hair with someone else's scalped, natural hair -- or, far worse, glimmery synthetics. Again, sure, you can claim fashion as the justification, but I honestly have never heard one male utter anything along the lines of, "Whew, that girl's weave is smokin'!" But, hey, call it fashionable if you'd like. That's the only justification I can think of for parading cropped, chin-length blonde hair one day and a black mane down to the chest the next.

Here's another idea: how about we start being natural? Even if that means naturally less attractive than others or our former self, yet still more attractive than our unnaturally, outlandishly hairpieced alter ego.