The Middle Finger

It's crude. It's controversial. It's a collection of connected phalanges.

The inappropriateness of the middle finger has always miffed me. It's befuddling to me that just saying "middle finger" almost feels risqué. It's the only body part I can think of that can be exposed at all times with no thought or offense, until it's in one particular position. One moment it's a high-five constituent; then, at the blink of an eye, it's a literal digital F-bomb. A right-angle formation changes everything.

It's ridiculous enough that people -- well, Western civilization -- find it offensive. But when TV stations blur it out -- actually go through the editing trouble to blur out a finger based on its posture and solitude -- something seems preposterously awry. Purely because someone at some point in history assigned vulgar meaning to that finger once it is elevated to a certain level and distances itself by a socially agreeable measurement of space from its appendaged counterparts, that regular ol' finger becomes lewd, distasteful, and demanding of censorship. So, it's blurred out. A finger. A finger is blurred out. A series of knuckles and a single nail plate are completely, fleetingly blurred from our vision. Then the finger returns to normal resting stage, and the blur is removed.

We know what the finger looks like -- we just saw it before and after the blurred image. And we know what is happening behind the blur. We can actually make this same signal with our own middle finger. Yet they blur it out.

It's a finger, people. It has gotten to the point where you have a better chance at watching a TV show where a chick gets topless than that chick gives someone the middle finger.

So, what about the thumb, huh? How does the thumb get away with it, being all upright and okay -- literally "okay." What is so darn special about the thumb that it is not only welcomed when vertical and singularized but encouraged? I mean, who doesn't like a thumbs-up? Would you rather be on the receiving end of an upright thumb or an upright middle finger? Exactly. But why?

I wonder what it was like to be the first recipient of a middle finger. Something (probably the speedball I did intravenously at lunch) tells me it was introduced in an old western town circa late 19th century around high noon. I imagine the conversation immediately following went something like this:


Flipper-Offer: "I think you're on my horse, buddy."

Horse Thief: "Yep, 'cause I’m stealing it!"

[Flipper-Offer flips Horse Thief off]

Horse Thief: "Wait, what was that?"

Flipper-Offer: "That was my middle finger."

Horse Thief: "Saw that. But why?"

Flipper-Offer: "That's me saying, 'Screw you.' You know, 'Up yours' for stealing my horse."

Horse Thief: "So, why didn't you just say that?"

Flipper-Offer: "I don't know. That's just what I do."

Horse Thief: "Alright. Well, see ya later."


The whole premise of a finger being insulting is just silly. I know I'm supposed to be indignantly appalled when someone singles out his/her middle finger and flashes it in my general direction, but I can't. To me it's the hand signal equivalent of calling me a "honky": Am I supposed to be offended? I guess, but why am I laughing so loudly?