Senior Citizens

If you make it to 75 -- even 65 -- years old, that's a pretty phenomenal feat. Between natural causes and freak accidents, there are just too many ways to die. Life, besides being a box of chocolates, is also a giant gauntlet, where our main focus above all things, whether we consciously think about it or not, is to stay alive. We're constantly on the go, dodging and side-stepping fatal pitfalls, i.e. car accidents, diseases, infections, drowning, natural disasters, terroristic acts, poisonous consumption, improper medication, mechanical malfunction, slipping and falling, getting trapped in a burning building, dropping something electric while in water, taking an athletic object to the head, being subjected to too many Brendan Fraser films, etc. Every day you don't die is a victory in my book. So if you can outlive your joints and smooth, wrinkle-free skin and the full control of your bladder, you should get whatever you want. At that point, you've basically won in life.

This is why I'm a big fan of respecting my elders, specifically senior citizens. Man, they've earned it. They've endured countless hardships and undoubtedly overcome personal tribulations. They've repeatedly kicked the devil in his crotch and just kept going, kept living. For 60 years. For 65 years. For 70, 75, 80 years. Some for 90 years, a few for 100. These are the most remarkable, heroic people in the world. A discounted movie ticket is the very least they should receive; throw 'em a complimentary bucket of popcorn, too.

I HATE to see older people working -- unless of course they simply want to. No elderly person should have to work to live. Not to bark up a political tree here, but I'm not keen on socialistic policies, and yet I find financially assisting a struggling senior citizen a very difficult motion to not support. I mean, they've paid not simply their taxes (presumably) but their dues in life as well. There will come a time in the back-half of life where we’ll all wish we had a little extra help, financial or otherwise. Aspirin and Bengay can only remedy so much.

Simply put, privilege should come with age. You seniors should be commended for weathering time. You wanna cash in on your 10% senior citizen price markdown? I say take 20% off. Yeah, it's cool. You want me to turn that darn music down? Consider it done -- I'll not only turn it down, I'll use headphones. You want that thermostat at 82 degrees? You got it -- and, hey, here's a wool sweater and a space heater, too. Heck, you can drive whatever glacial speed you want. Enjoy yourself out there. And this is coming from someone who freely admits to suffering periodic bouts of road rage (but with good reason: I mean, how hard is it for common, everyday drivers to (1) drive while talking, (2) stay out of the left-hand lane when not passing, and (3) not brake on an on-ramp? Idiots.).

The elderly are exactly what we all aspire to be: still alive many years past our current age. They have achieved mankind's underlying goal. We want it, and they did it.

Go ahead, park as close to the entrance as you want, old man. I'll walk.