Elevators

Elisha Otis is often dubiously credited with inventing the elevator in the mid-19th century. Whether the actual inventor or simply a "practicalizer," Otis probably had no idea how awkward he just made everyone's business day. But what do you expect cramming a sealed chamber with various personalities and mannerisms?

Being cooped up in an elevator with a handful of strangers is so uncomfortably entertaining. What's about to take place during the ascension up floors is so predictable that it's hilarious. Have no doubt, you will have one or more of the following people: (1) someone clutching everything she owns for dear life right there as she stares abashedly at the floor from a corner of the elevator; (2) an "important" person sifting through absolutely nothing on his Blackberry in order to maintain said adjective of rank; (3) a fool continuing her phone call throughout the entire course of the ride as if she just walked into a soundproof pod separate from all other riders; (4) an older man whistling and playing with keys or loose change in his pockets; (5) a perpetual complainer who, when asked how his weekend was, un-wittily replies with a variation of "Not long enough"; (6) any of the above standing psychopathically close to you.

Those are the exceptions. The other folks are just staring dead ahead at the door, the floor, the changing numbers representing levels. You'll find me in this group. We're just pausing our lives, waiting to get off and continue on, hoping that the elevator experiences zero issues and that no one tries to make fake, breath-wasting conversation to pass time.

One way I entertain myself nearly every elevator ride is imagining, if this tin can got stuck in the shaft right now, which of my current fellow passengers would be the first to just snap and scream uncontrollably, lighting all the buttons with drum-rolling fists in desperation? I naturally like to single out the yacht club member in the Jos. A. Bank pinstripes. But I find that this usually requires very little imagination.

Discomfort and cheap entertainment aside, think about if we didn't have elevators. We would have no tall buildings, no skyscrapers -- just a bunch of two- and three-story buildings everywhere. Corporations would be spread out like college campuses, and cities would be 12 times the size for it. Which means more driving to get to your destination. Which means more gas and earlier wake-up calls. Which means tighter budgets and less sleep. All because of no elevator.

I guess the gains within that microcosm of gauche behaviors make it all worth it. Thanks, Otis.