Interstate Billboards

Driving on interstates may feel as intellectually stimulating as a polka record, but I think there are innumerable points of interest along the way. Take the interstate billboards, for example. Just when you considered steering your car into the median wall upon the next site of an evergreen tree, a completely wacky billboard appears in the far distance, refreshing the trip with a breath of wonderment and sheer perplexity.

I don't know if, in any state that legalizes fireworks, there's a stretch of 15 interstate miles out there without a billboard advertising fireworks. And every fireworks store is a "superstore" -- usually owned by a Dave. It appears to me that every mother naming their son David is giving him a 1-in-3 shot at owning a fireworks outlet. A congratulations to all the Daves who have defied their occupational predestination odds and found success elsewhere in a non-fireworks-related vocation.

Is there a fireworks store that doesn't claim to be the largest in the world? Along the same lines, is there a mom and pop's diner that doesn't swear they have the coldest beer in town? These billboard writers are probably the authors of the same Wikipedia articles you used in your research paper. Some occasional fact-checking on the billboards would be nice.

On a side note, I'd hate to be the sap who bought his fireworks that one day of the year there wasn’t a "buy one, get one free" fireworks sale. Sucks to be you, Mr. Screwed Out Of Double The Fireworks Guy.

I do think it's absolutely hilarious that some businesses will tell you everything there is to know about them on their billboard, while others will simply say, "Roasted Almonds -- Exit Now!" It's with the latter that I always hear this old woman in my head yelling at me, "Look, do you like roasted almonds or not? Then what are you waiting for?? Cross those four lanes and EXIT NOW!!"

I actually saw a billboard recently that said, "Food, Fuel, and Flowbees -- Exit Now." I thought to myself, finally, a pit stop worth making -- a pit stop offering the three essentials in life: nutrition, energy, and a haircut from a vacuum cleaner extension.